


Leat Ptrapica

by natanije



Series: Self-Indulgent Kakasaku AUs [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, F/M, Featuring: Kakashi's Long Suffering, Humor, Kakashi Has Issues, Naruto's Excited Buzzing, Sakura's Abandonment Issue, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Hatred, Slow Romance, The romance starts around the 4th war, and Sasuke's Revenge Obsession, one of them including hOW DO ONE TALK TO ONE SOULMATE WITHOUT HURTING THEIR FEELINGS
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-03
Updated: 2017-05-22
Packaged: 2018-09-14 11:43:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9180079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/natanije/pseuds/natanije
Summary: He never hears anyone's thoughts except for his own, and he is glad for it. Until one day, a loud wailing booms inside of his head, and Kakashi's brain short circuited.Or, that soulmate AU where you can telepathically talk and send emotions to your soulmate.





	1. Hyear (Listen)

**Author's Note:**

> ...Has this kind of AU been done yet?
> 
> This is like my third Kakasaku story, please be kind with me. I apologize for any mistakes, whether it's grammar, spelling, or characterization. I hope you can enjoy reading this!

The idea of someone speaking to you in your mind and projecting their very own emotions to you privately is as appealing as much as it is appalling.

He’s seen many people not speaking to each other—verbally at least—merely smiling to each other and sometimes wildly gesturing with their bodies, seen people spacing out only to smile or break into giggles right after. He’s seen his sensei and his soulmate smiling to each other like gross old married couple, seen the Fourth Hokage blushing furiously during dinner as the redhead to Kakashi’s right simply smirked as she ate. He’s seen Obito and Rin sitting next to each other in the Academy, the Uchiha sometimes forgetting that he was in class and laughed out loud over whatever the girl said.

But he’s seen others, as well.

He’s seen how his father murmured to himself, as if _waiting_ and _hoping_ for someone to answer when there were none, how Rin had wept over how _silent_ her mind was after Obito’s death, how she went delusional along the way, stating that she _felt_ him when he was dead, that she could feel him trying to speak to her but failing, that she could still feel him sometimes.

Kakashi isn’t sure whether he’s supposed to like it or not.

This... Connection.

They say that it makes you happy, to know that there is someone you can talk to all the time, a confidant to your secrets and feelings, someone you can _trust_ and _love_ with your entire being.

But at the same time, it also breaks you—It shatters you when the connection is lost, when one is gone while the other is not. It breaks you when that person at the end of the line ends up as someone that you cannot trust, either it’s enemy shinobi, missing-nin, or civilian from another Hidden Village, when you can never meet your soulmate, when you must not tell him any secrets for the sake of village security, when you have to kill your own soulmate for the sake of duty—such devastating scenarios happen from time to time.

Still, people longs for it, actively reaching out for their soulmates, actively trying to woo them, even betraying their own country for the sake of their soulmates.

Kakashi… Well, Kakashi cannot fathom as to why one will go to such length for someone that can creepily dump a whole load of information and thoughts and feelings to your very own being.

After all, his mind has always been for himself to keep.

He never hears anyone's thoughts except for his own, never feels any particular emotions that do not belong to him.

And, well, he’s glad. Grateful, really.

After all, then he doesn’t have to worry about keeping his thoughts and inner emotions in check, doesn’t have to worry about flooding his soulmate’s mind with his own, and more importantly, he won’t be relying on anybody.

Because that’s what soulmates do, right? Relying on each other, that is.

Just like what Kushina said once: _mutual symbiosis._

He still shivers whenever he thinks about that.

He doesn’t need a soulmate. He doesn’t even _want_ one. Really. Really, really, really.

They will just hinder him, giving him unnecessary emotions, and thus interfering his duty as a shinobi.

That must be avoided at all costs; his duty is now his life, and he can't afford to have anything interfering with it. ( _there is no more, no more to live for, to fight for except for his village, to simply do as he is told to do just like the tool he is_ —)

He thinks he’s really, _really_ lucky to be born without a soulmate.

It’s not like it’s that _important._

It’s not like he’s the only one in this world who doesn’t have soulmates either.

It’s fine.

He doesn’t need anyone.

It’s fine.

( _He ignores the loneliness clawing at him in his gut, ignores the talks about soulmates with his peers—_

_Ignores how perhaps, he’s simply afraid of the bad things that can possibly happen if he has his own soulmate, that there is always a chance for him to break even more than he already has._

_Ignores how perhaps, he is just afraid to disappoint yet another person—_

_Afraid to be seen as a **monster** by the person that is supposed to love him with their entire heart_).

…It’s okay.

It’s okay.

* * *

 

It’s not okay.

It’s not okay, it’s not okay, it’s not it’s not IT’S _NOT_ —

His mind is loud, his collarbone is fractured, he got stabbed in the stomach and there’s a loud wailing inside of his head when there is supposed to be none, there’s supposed to be just _him—_

And it’s giving him a mild headache.

Cute.

Why is there a baby wailing inside of his head? If his head is not hurting as much as it is perhaps he can think more properly, but with the irritation that comes from his injuries as well as his sudden headache, all he can think is on how he wants to yell at the person responsible for this, how _ugly_ the wailing is and frankly, he wants this crying to just end already.

When the wailing goes even an octave higher, his temper—which is a rather short fuse when it comes to loud sounds and disgusting smells—snaps, and his mind _snarls_ at the offending noise.

**_‘CAN’T YOU SHUT UP?!’_ **

Silence.

He soaks in his victory for a few seconds, enjoying the silence that once again settles within his mind before the reality catches up with him and he _realizes_.

There’s a faint hiccup at the back of his mind, small and childlike, sounds that indicate the start of another temper tantrum of a _child_.

A child’s voice.

In his mind.

A voice that he just  _yelled_ at.

_A child._

Kakashi curses.


	2. Murfan (Feeling)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Minato and Kushina are dead when Sakura is born, because I think Sakura is born a year after Naruto, which makes her the youngest in Team 7.

Kakashi really hates his luck sometimes.

He was happy to think of himself as a Blank, there to cater for his own wellbeing without any of these soulmate bullshits. Happy to think that there will be no expectations for him to meet, no random person who is _‘meant to be’_ with him.

With his whole life living as a Blank—until now that is—he has his own set of skepticism regarding this kind of connection.

They’re _meant to be_ , but who is there to decide that they’re meant to be? Don’t people have free wills to choose who they want to be with? Why must he follow the means from whatever kind of sicko up there that tied his soul with a _baby_ out of all things?

Heck, he can accept an enemy nin—not really, but he thinks he can handle it—or even Ebisu, who is a Blank just like he was. (Or perhaps Ebisu himself is within the waiting list for another new baby to tie his soul with, and Kakashi has to suppress a shiver at that thought).

Just… _Why_? He’s been content living as a Blank—not necessarily happy, but content is enough, right?—there is no need to sic a newborn to him simply because he lost every single person he’s ever loved in his whole life!

 _Hah, that’s it, isn’t it?_ Kakashi scoffs bitterly to himself. Because he lost his loved ones, he’s lonely and bitter, and the gods are sadists who take enjoyment in his sufferings.

This baby is simply another bonus in all of the things that have gone wrong in his entire life.

He still can’t stop the incredulity that settles itself inside of him, though.

A baby.

 _A fucking baby_.

What did the deities even expect from him? To suddenly be happy and joyful because he finally gets a soulmate? To… To look for this baby and just, what, live Happily Ever After?

He doesn’t understand _why_.

First of all, it’s a baby. He’s a shinobi. That is already a bad combination over there. Now count in his inability to cater for a child, his dislike toward children in general, his own hesitation regarding this whole romance bullshit, and most importantly, his penchant of getting his loved ones killed.

…

Oh God, that baby will never last long.

With that happy thought, Kakashi buries his face on his hands and groans.

_Goddammit._

This is why he doesn’t want any soulmates! He’ll get them killed! Even if they don’t die, with his luck, he will end up making them suffer for some reason or another.

What if they start searching for him? What if they start hoping for him? What if—What if they start _loving_ him? Oh God, oh God. No. Nope. Nope nope. Nope. Not going to think about that. Nope.

 _They’re just a baby_ , he thinks to himself, _babies don’t feel romantic attraction… right? Or does it happen anyway because of this… bond? Whatever this bond is… Ugh…_

He’s not sure whether the baby’s male or female, they all sound the same for him and gosh are they noisy. Whoever his soulmate is, they’re a crybaby for sure. In the literal sort of way, that is. And they don’t hold back when they’re crying either, high pitch screaming and wailing booming inside of his head he has to hold back his wince whenever it starts up. Not counting the emotions pouring down on him: the sheer discomfort that the baby feels, he feels.

He looked up about it—mostly because the constant wailing was starting to get on his nerves; another because he’s fairly new in this whole soulmate jazz—and four tomes, ten books later, among the many things he found out about soulmate bond, he learned that because the baby is, well, a _baby_ , there is no filter for them. They can’t separate between telepathic communication and normal thinking consciously just yet, and that is why everytime the baby feels discomfort and cries, their mind cries along with them and it gets transferred to him.

The good thing is, this unconscious telepathic communication will stop when the baby’s about three or four year old.

The bad thing is, that means he has to endure this for exactly that long.

Fuck his life.

Another thing he learned, though, is that because they can filter their thoughts and feelings consciously when they are toddlers, they only feel and realize the bond around that age.

Kakashi takes his chances from that knowledge.

If he can keep his thoughts to himself, barricading his responses toward the baby’s telepathic communication, the baby won’t realize they have a soulmate. They won’t realize their soulmate is him.

For a few moment, he feels bad for lying, for dooming them to a life without a soulmate.

But he’s lived a life as a Blank before, and there are other Blanks out there.

They will live.

* * *

It takes him a whole week before he can truly handle the constant wailing within his mind. He still winces or twitches in surprise when it happens, but he is learning. Before the baby cries, there is always the feeling of discontent, that _‘ugh’_ feeling that doesn’t belong to him at all. He is slowly learning to anticipate the crying of his soulmate, and at the same time differentiating between the many _ugh_ s in their life.

While that helps him to handle the loud noise in his head and go on with his life as if nothing is wrong and he’s still as Blank as ever, that also brings an onslaught of new problems altogether.

Because around three weeks after learning and familiarizing himself with the baby’s cries, he seems to realize what is _wrong,_ what the baby wants and needs, the basic things like that. The problem is exactly _that_.

Because he knows what is wrong, he gets frustrated when it’s not dealt with quickly, and because there is no filter in the baby’s mind, when Kakashi lets himself _go_ his frustration gets sent to the baby and they end up confusing the emotions as their own, thus making the crying even _louder_.

Kakashi wants to slam his head to the wall.

There are some _moments_ , when Kakashi figures out the meaning of the baby’s cries faster than the parents, such as these:

 _‘They’re hungry, give them food!’_ Kakashi slams his fist to his table in frustration one afternoon, startling his pack of ninken from sleep.

 _‘Milk! They want milk! Where is the mom?!’_ Is Kakashi’s train of thought while he shakes an enemy nin by the collar, glaring harshly.

 _‘Either the clothes are uncomfortable, or wherever they lie on is uncomfortable. God… Just… Just take them away from there, wherever there is.’_ He facepalms in the middle of the street, a random Gai sashaying in the background.

 _‘_ _I know it’s smelly and wet and uncomfortable,’_ he thinks, face a bit green as he pushes his dinner away from him. ‘ _But I don’t need to know that they just peed themselves. God, I hate this soulmate thing already.’_

 _‘WHERE IS THE CHANGE OF DIAPER THIS KID JUST SHIT THEMSELVES’_ is a thought that passes his mind as he stabs an enemy’s skull.

And many other bouts of internal screaming.

* * *

 

Sometimes he wonders when will the parents learn to know which is which, because it’s been four weeks already, dammit, they should know what the baby wants when they cry!

But alas, it is rather hard to figure out quickly what a baby truly wants.

If you don’t have a mental link to their thoughts and feelings, that is.

Kakashi wants to scream.

The baby is radiating displeasure once again, and Kakashi braces himself for another wailing. But it’s almost the middle of the night, he just arrived from another assassination mission, he’s feeling cranky and not up for another round of withstanding someone’s loud cries.

He doesn’t want to communicate with his soulmate, not really, but with the frustration directed at the baby’s poor, bumbling, fumbling parents— _probably newlyweds,_ Kakashi mutters distastefully to himself—and the knowledge that the baby mostlikely won’t remember him when they reach their toddling days, well…

With a sigh, he reaches out for the first time since he shouted at his soulmate weeks ago.

_‘Hey, kiddo.’_


	3. Spiritum Sanctum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sakura loses the lingering presence within her mind.
> 
> Kakashi never loses his.

_‘Hey kiddo.’_

A child’s attention span is ridiculous, he thinks, when the child stops their random tantrum in favor of reacting to the strange, unfamiliar noise that no doubt pops into their head. This is his second time reaching out toward their bond and his actual first time in trying to be civil toward his soulmate, it is perfectly reasonable that he is at the very least a bit awkward about it. Especially when there’s a small pause that happens right after his carefully nonchalant greeting.

The baby lets out a noise, and for all of his experience with wailings of said baby, he ain’t got a clue on what that noise means. Though he can sense confusion there, as well as wonder, and settles with recognizing that the baby is… puzzled, over the sudden interrupting noise.

There’s a problem though.

Now that the baby is quiet, Kakashi doesn’t know what to say.

 _‘Uh. Don’t cry?’_ Real smooth, Kakashi. As if that will work, they barely understand Kakashi enough as it is!

Even though he knows his mistake at that point, he really doesn’t know  _how_ to go from there, and settles with an awkward silence.

He really needs to think this over.

_‘Uh…’_

More awkward silence.

Just like that, merely moments later, the baby signals the start of another tantrum, and Kakashi winces, preparing himself to endure their wailing for a good few minutes.

Good riddance.

* * *

 

It takes him a few days, as well as some more failure along the way, but he’s finally found a way to at least distract the child long enough from bursting Kakashi’s mental eardrums and causing a headache.

He either talks long about some things, and the baby somehow listens. If it doesn’t work, he hums a song because he doesn’t  _sing_ , soulmate or not.

Still, it’s a familiar song, one his father used to sing for him at night even when he was a newly promoted Chuunin much to his past self’s embarrassment. He was too old to be sung to sleep, really, and yet Hatake Sakumo still chose to do it for him.

And thus it’s easy for him to remember the notes and although he cannot bring himself to actually sing the lyrics—because it  _hurts_ , to remember his father and sing the song that he very well attached to his father’s image in his memory—it’s somehow enough to calm the baby… somewhat.

There are still tantrums included though.

He really can’t wait for them to be old enough to stop the mental link consciously.

* * *

 

( _He won’t admit it, but humming for the child at night has become a well ingrained habit that he finds to enjoy himself._

 _It’s soothing, and eloquently, Kakashi decides to blame every gooey feeling, whatever this thing is, to the happiness that belongs to the child influencing him through the link they both share._ )

* * *

 

By the time it reaches the age of three, after roughly around a year calling the child as  _brat_ or  _kid_  to gain their attention, he has finally learned of the child’s name, as well as the sex.

 _Sakura_ , a thoroughly boring name—although Kakashi should probably look at his own name and reflect, because who is he to comment when his name literally means Scarecrow for God’s sake.

And the child is a girl.

Well.

There’s that.

Also, she’s still  _loud_.

The mental link is still as strong as ever, but the book Kakashi read before mentioned an awareness of the link at the minimum age of three, and thus although she hasn’t stopped giving him her bursts of emotions just yet, he decides to retreat to the very back and stops himself from responding.

He’s an ANBU, hiding his emotions and thoughts from the link shouldn’t be  _that_  hard.

* * *

 

( _And thus,_

_Haruno Sakura loses the lingering presence that accompanies her for the first three years of her life._

_And yet,_

_Hatake Kakashi never seems to lose his._ )

* * *

 

Sakura never has a soulmate.

She’s heard of other people communicating with their soulmates, heard how her peers have started talking about the voices in their heads—aka their soulmates.

It makes her feel left out, because she never hears a voice. What voice? Nobody ever speaks to her in her mind, whether it’s a girl or a boy or… or even a puppy! She never hears anything inside of her head.

( _She thinks she heard them, before, a soft humming that she can sometimes remember, tunes of songs that she knows yet her parents don’t, a soft yet perpetually tired voice, calling her a kid, a brat—_

_And yet she cannot seem to properly grasp on whose voice it belongs to. For all she knows, it can be her parents’ friends or she’s simply hallucinating. She’s heard of her peers talking about imaginary friends belonging to Blanks, and she’s a Blank, isn’t she?_

_To think she’s conjured up an imaginary soulmate simply because she has none—it’s pretty sad_ ).

She also thinks it’s unfair. Why must there be Blanks in this world? Why can’t everyone just have a soulmate? That way everyone can be happy, right? That way people won’t judge her for not having a topic about her supposed-soulmate and get teased at for being a Blank. She’s teased enough for having a wide forehead, isn’t that enough already?

And then she asks her mother.

_Mama, mama, why am I Blank? I want a soulmate too, where can I get one?_

Her mother is really nice, she thinks. She’s smart, she seemingly knows everything, and even for this question of hers, her mother knows exactly what to say.

_Nothing is wrong with you for being a Blank, honey._

_But I want a soulmate!_ She almost cries,  _I want to be the same as everyone! Ami says her soulmate always sings for her before bed time, Fuji gets cool stories from his genin soulmate! Why can’t I have a soulmate, too? I don’t wanna be a Blank!_

 _Why don’t you want to be a Blank?_ Her mother asks slowly,  _there are many other Blanks out there, too, and they can live happily too_.

 _But they don’t have a soulmate._  She sniffs,  _they don’t have anyone to talk to in their minds._

 _They don’t,_ her mother nods,  _but that doesn’t mean they can’t be happy. They can work in the same jobs as the ones with soulmates do, they can get wives and husbands, they can get kids, they laugh and cry just like the ones with soulmates. There’s nothing wrong with being a Blank, it simply means you get to have more choices._

 _Choices_ , Sakura learns soon enough, are plenty.

 _Choices_ , she also learns, has quite a positive meaning.

Being someone who is curious over this whole soulmate ordeal—and also a child who wants to know the same things as her soulmate-able peers—she finds herself reading books about it, listening to others about it, and finds out a whole lot of things.

Soulmates, for one, don’t always end up as wives and husbands. Some are platonic—she has to ask her mom about what that means—and some are even real life brothers and sisters, or even parents and children, or even with puppies! It’s a shock for her and also quite a wonder, to think that this whole soulmate thing her peers are preening about aren’t so simple as they make it out to be.

And then, well.

She’s glad she’s not missing out  _that_  much, because her mother explicitly said that she can be as great as someone with a soulmate, but she’s still  _different_. And it still means  _something_ for her.

Perhaps that’s why she ends up making it a habit to… talk, in her mind, in the hopes that someone will answer.

(And no one will. She knows that, but  _still_ ).

It ranges from her reports of the day, descriptions on what happened and what she felt, anything she can ramble about.

At first, it really was for her (non-existent) soulmate, but overtime, it just becomes a habit.

It’s like a… a reflection! She can’t really call it a diary, since she doesn’t  _write_ anything down, but well, she’s heard that it’s a good exercise for the mind, and it gives Sakura a strange comfortable feeling, somehow. She can’t really explain it, but it’s as if…

As if someone is listening.

_…Nah._

Shaking her head, the girl—now at the tender age of seven—braces her shoulders as she makes her way to the Academy. She can’t be late today; there will be another quiz, after all.

* * *

 

_(For many more years to come,_

_The Blank who fantasizes of a link, of a soulmate, will continue to talk within her mind._

_Sometimes, it’s just for her to rant, a way for her to express her frustrations. The illusion, the unshakable and arguably pathetic feeling that someone is perhaps listening to her make her not adverse in doing so._

_Another times, although rare as it may be, are from her actual longing for someone to reply._

_Still, nobody replies.)_

* * *

 

_(And yet still, someone listens.)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're wondering why Kakashi decides to just yodel out of the mental link between him and Sakura, let me remind you that he never wanted a soulmate in the first place. And as well as the fact that Sakura is still a toddler, a kid, and he's absolutely certain he'll end up accidentally killing her within the first five minutes of actually interacting with her.
> 
> And so it's understandable that he decides to just go all "nope" and disappear from the mental link (though it's more him huddling in the very corner hugging his knees while praying fervently for her not to notice him. But you get the point).

**Author's Note:**

>  **Leat Ptrapica** - > meaning: **Playing a Treasure**  
>  This is a song from the Ar Tonelico series, composed and sung by Shimotsuki Haruka. The lyrics, I think, fits perfectly on the relationship dynamic that Sakura and Kakashi will (eventually) have, especially Sakura's own role in Kakashi's life. If you are interested, you can check AbstractGarden's lyric video with translations for this particular song!


End file.
